today, i graduated university. here’s the deep stuff

I’ve spent the last week rotting in bed in a pit of self doubt. Despite my constant efforts to network and build a portfolio, I haven’t yet gotten a job that is, or at least could eventually lead to, narrative design. And I’m kinda on a losing streak in the gaming area of my life, so that’s really digging in the waves of rejection I’ve been battling through for the last couple of months. But, today I heaved myself out of my bed, put on a pretty outfit, and drove four hours to my graduation. And while there, I realised that I have no reason to doubt myself - the amount I’ve grown is insane for me to comprehend. It feels like my brain has completely reformed since I was first dropped off at uni by my mum and my uncle, who spent half of the journey talking about how quickly the time passes. I didn’t feel like that could be true.

It was.

So, as a form of catharsis for myself, I’m going to tell you who I was then, and who I am now. And I’m going to tell you how I got there over the course of three years. Mainly to remind myself, because in the face of what feels like hopelessness in the present, I don’t think there’s anything to really feel doubtful about.

In my first year of university, I was deeply self destructive. I kinda found my place among friends, and I thought I was seeing into forever - this was my life now. I skived past my lectures and went out clubbing three days a week, which was the ideal routine for me back then. The barely hidden issue was that I spent my time always looking forward to the next time I would be clubbing. I needed the feeling of being important and liked and I felt that when I was out. I mean, how could I not - everyone’s your friend when you’re drunk. I took every Thursday off because lectures at nine in the morning after student night wasn’t it. When I look back on how desperate I was for external validation, I cringe, but I have a soft spot for this version of myself. She had so much to give and everyone just kept taking. I remember sitting in my best friend at the time’s arms once, inconsolable, trying desperately to feel the affection she was giving and I just couldn’t. At that point I thought I was pretty broken. I appreciated her attempts, though. Then I went through a breakup in the middle of covid, and I got my shit together for the first time.

But not the last.

By second year, I had a three month daily yoga streak and I was studying six hours a day on various free online courses. This was the first glimpse I had of who I could be - someone who valued knowledge above all else and strived to be aware of everything from social issues to psychology. This was short lived, however, because I was still hurt. You can’t just push down the hurt and pretend it’s okay, which I learnt the hard way. Immediately after returning to uni, I had a depression spell that lasted weeks, only broken by winter, when I decided it would be fun to dye my hair. I found a new confidence in my life. And this is where life perked up a bit. I had a new influence in my life (I’d probably call him my best friend now, but don’t tell him that). They reminded me of the value of effort and aiming high when I’d been wandering through life in a daze. I was suddenly driven to find my passion and actually improve myself as a person for a future I was seeing more of by the day. Some of my friendships improved too! But, unfortunately, second year was for healing. And as with all real healing, things had to get worse before they could get better. That was heartbreakingly true for me. I lost one of my closest friends by this point because I just wasn’t ready to admit I wasn’t better yet. I wanted so badly to be able to say I was okay, even though I wasn’t, and I pushed people away and made excuses to divert attention from that.

And then, when that happened, I hit my lowest point. I wasn’t doing great. I still feel bad about some of the things that, back then, I was incapable of salvaging. But, hitting that low somehow clicked my brain into place and then I had this desire for better. Desire to be better. For me.

This was the beginning. I was actually, genuinely healing.

In third year, I was pulled out of the depths of my brain by my friends. Even though it was too much to ask, I needed them to keep pushing back against my attempts to push them away, and the ones that did I can say are genuinely some of the best people I have ever met. They never gave up on me, even when they probably could’ve justified it. I appreciate them so much. Losing a couple of my friends pushed me to make new ones and deepen the ones I still had instead of remaining in my comfort zone. I made myself better for them, too.

The biggest change? That was my mindset. And that was reflected in my work. I attended every lecture, and every assignment I studied for hours for hunched across a wonky desk covered in blue dye stains. Painting became a rediscovered hobby, because I actually felt happy when I did the things I enjoyed again. That was one of the biggest things for me, because it’d been years since I’d last felt genuine desire to do something and felt the happiness that came with it. I’d lost joy in those things I liked for a while. I even fangirl again! I felt so strongly about a show I’d watched recently that I felt an overwhelming urge to make it my phone wallpaper to satisfy me. I value those feelings so much more than I used to, which makes everyday seem a bit more wonderful, even when nothing seems to happen. I think, if anything, the appreciation of the little things makes the worst of it seem worth pushing through. Also, I stopped clubbing - I probably go around twice a year now. All of a sudden, I stopped being able to see it as more fulfilling than writing another chapter of my book. You might think this backfires when it comes to socialising, but when I’m with friends, I don’t really drink and my relationships have deepened because of it. Too many people are bonded by the influence of alcohol, and removing that made me inventive. Nowadays, I’m going to visit monkeys, to see random cities I’ve never been to before, and I’m taking trains with people I care about to exciting places. It’s even made me value watching movies again because it’s no longer a fall back activity for me.

My friends helped me make the first step, and now I’m making all the others. I remember reading a quote once that said something along the lines of ‘dedicate the next six months to what you want to do. Dedicate fully to those six months of progress and you can find yourself years ahead of your timeline.’ This is what I’ve done.

Over the course of third year, I finally realised that I deserved my own belief. I wrote the craziest short story that is the star of my show, and I have an exciting and kinda niche sci-fi and fantasy book coming out soon (self promo is always warranted. Naturally, I’ll keep you updated). I have wonderful friends and a massive portfolio that consists mainly of third-year creations, when I actually put my back into working for the future I wanted. I now know just how valuable I am.

Today, I graduated university with a first class degree in English and creative writing. Even just last year, I didn’t think myself capable of this - I’d accepted that I was capable of a 2:1, because that’s all I’d ever gotten. Look at me now, all finished and with much more that what I used to be happy to settle with. I have proof that I’m so much more capable than I could’ve imagined I am, and I want to achieve everything.

In the face of all of this, I know that my present day self-doubt is just a momentary lapse. When I get sad nowadays, I’m sad for a shorter period of time, and the days I find myself happy are becoming weeks. They’ll be months soon enough. This negative moment is only brief, and soon enough I will be back to myself with more energy than ever. I’ll get the job I want and I’ll have the future I want, because I want it.

Literally nothing is stopping me, not even me.

< 70% baked >