i want to share what i do, even when it’s utter crap

I share a fair amount of my creative ventures on social media. Of course, I have hidden projects that I'd like to keep hidden until I know for sure that I'm going to do what I say I will. I don't really take words lightly, hence the degree in words. But when I was younger, I was so incredibly private, to the point that I think my younger self would actually have an aneurism if she knew what we were doing today. I've had a few people question me on why exactly I post things, even if they're not perfect. And this is why: because one day, I'm going to have something I believe in so hard that it's going to make it an absolute emotional trial to share with the world. Enough so, that there's a real possibility that I'd be able to dissuade myself from ever doing it.

I love my blog and my games, but there's reasons that I find it quite easy to post them. With my blog, everything I release is done so in bite-size portions. I mean, I've spent the last decade of my life building my skills up to the point that I can whip out short stories and articles in a couple of hours and then - done. And there's a reason I call my blog half-baked thoughts! This was never intended to be a place for perfectionism, more of a release from it, because I'm so prone to falling into the hands of procrastination perfectionism - I enjoy having an outlet that doesn't expect the highest of highest qualities when it comes to my creations, because it keeps me in the rhythm of writing without expectation. I've found that expectations are the killer of creativity. So, it's quite easy to share my thoughts here. Plus, I spend half of my time pretending no-one reads my blog, so I fall into the wonderful trap of thinking I'm the only person who will ever read them. I think that's a fun place to be, because observed creativity is stunted.

And with my game? It was a bit more difficult to share it, but in my mind, it's something I've never really done before. If I'm that new to it, it's pretty cool that I've already hacked making a little game considering all the aspects that go into the process. Creative writing has only really been about 30% of the job so far. If it's bad, it's not a reflection of skills I've spend half of my life developing. Plus, I could do with the fresh eyes. It's not like I ever made it to become a popular, well-played game. A couple of people playing it and saying 'hey, this is what I think you could add to make it better' would be enough for me. It doesn't feel like an awfully difficult thing to post.

However, I have projects on the go at the moment that I'm actually terrified to do anything with. First and foremost: I'm writing a book. Let me start by saying that I love writing my book - I'd consider myself a good source of creativity, I tend to be able to pull really fun and cool concepts from incredibly little inspiration. I'll give myself credit for really developing this skill over my life, because I really do think I'm good at it. And the same goes with writing! I'm a good writer. I can create cool new worlds and write them down and make them sound pretty. But the fact I've spent so much of my life refining these skills means that if I don't execute it properly, it feels like I've wasted those years. Like I've spent so much time climbing the ladder of creative writing only to reach the top and realise that actually, what I think is good and I've spent so many agonising hours on isn't actually good at all. And nobody likes it. Especially as, unlike my personal game and my blog, I intend to monetise it - not only would my soul take a toll with awful feedback, my bank would kinda suffer, too. And it's not like I can release every chapter online for constructive criticism - that would defeat the point of releasing it as a book that people can buy. I could get away with one chapter, maybe, but the point I see in releasing a chapter for free is to entice readers, absorb them with good writing. I'd want them to like it enough that they would buy the book. I think they're very different aims.

Big projects are so much more difficult to bring yourself to share. It makes me feel vulnerable because I have to pour my heart and soul into them and hope that my years of experience are reflected in my words. Which is why I like to be slightly careless with informal writing and things that I feel more okay with being bad at. I leave myself open to harsh criticism, because right now, it hurts significantly less to have someone hate my creation than it will when I finally get around to releasing my big projects. It's like a vaccine - dosing yourself up with tiny forms of disease and learning how to fight back, so that when the real thing comes along, you're ready. You know how to deal with it. There's a version of myself that would cry when someone even implied that they didn't like something I made, and truly cared about. I might not be that version anymore, but it's still somewhere. It doesn't just go away. I want to make sure she's ready, so when I share something that matters more to me than anything else ever has, I'm okay with the fact that some people just aren't going to like it. That's okay. If I believe in it that hard, the even if people don't like it, it doesn't mean it was unworthy of the time and energy spent, or even that it's bad - it's just that some people didn't care. Not everyone will, and that's a fact of life.

The gist is, how else am I going to share something I truly poured my soul into if I don't know how to handle creative rejection? It's okay to love something and be told that it's objectively not good. Doesn't mean that thing should have any lesser of a place in your heart, because it will always mean more to you than it will to anyone else, anyway.

The gist is, fuck people's opinions. Make cool shit.

< 89% baked >