i haven't posted in a while.

Well, so much for a schedule. But, I did add a little note saying I wouldn't be back until the New Year, so at least I covered my tracks. Why was I gone?

Let me begin.

It's nothing tragic or even particularly interesting, but I forgot what the hell I was working for. I've had a lot of uncertainty and set-backs the last six months. I graduated university with no direction, and then submerged myself in the job market (I really wasn't prepared for what the job industry was like, my own naivety). But, I've missed out on my dream job twice in a row, I lost all purpose in writing the book I'd planned, and to be honest, I lacked discipline because I'd never let myself sit in my own thoughts for long enough to act critically.

As I told one of my friends a few days ago, self-awareness is good. Great, even. But it does nothing. Being aware of your weaknesses and doing nothing about them is just as good as not knowing about them at all. Looking in from an outside perspective - your thoughts say nothing about you unless you express them in the way you act. It took me a while to let that really hit home. My thoughts and plans literally meant nothing as long as they remained inside my head, where only I can see them. We weave through streams of consciousness by the thousands everyday, having a passing thought that you see as different isn't special.

So, while I spent all that time distracting myself long enough that I didn't have to do anything about my thoughts, I finally decided that actually, I need to take the difficult step in beginning my life. Actually living it, rather than drifting where the current takes me through the expected university degrees and unchallenging, uninspiring jobs. And I stepped back. From everything.

I stopped using my social media, I stopped blogging and I sat with myself. I sat and stared into myself so long that I was just so bored. And boredom is the peculiar friend of inspiration, because when you're bored with none of your usual distractions, you get creative. You start to drift towards the things you really like.

My personal theory about why I wasn't feeling inspired to write my book is because I enjoy it, but our brains don't register that kind of enjoyment in the way it registers the dopamine hit from things like social media. Not because writing a book isn't enjoyable, but because of how long it takes to get into it: to start writing, I need to get out my laptop, read through my notes, and have a think. And then I grasp onto a thought and I'll be slouched over a word document writing a mile a minute for hours. And I feel amazing afterwards - creating things brings me true, satisfying joy. But social media? All it takes is opening an app and checking notifications. It takes seconds to get a hit of dopamine that lasts approximately a second before it drifts away leaving you wanting more. It's quite sad, honestly. Sure, I was never a social media addict. But I lost so many hours that I could've been dedicating to long-lasting joy to the temporary whims of fleeing virtual interactions.

So, I took away the distractions. I took away anything that felt too instant, like I wasn't working towards it. Like anything that required only the simple movement of my finger to the other side of a screen. I started a couple of months ago, but I still found it embarrassingly easy to fall back into ugly habits. So, at the end of November, I went full detox and removed every distraction. And I let discipline take the wheel.

I'd like to define discipline as not a thing that takes away joy, as some people usually mistake it for, but simply chooses more rewarding joy over the superficial reactions of our brains. Whereas some things give you short-lived mild satisfaction that leaves you feeling restless and discontent, some give you joy that's personal to you, not your brain. It's less of you following a reaction, and more like the reaction of joy follows you and what you're doing. So, if I spent hours making something amazing, I've pursued something that not every brain would find stimulating, just mine. The part of my brain that makes me me. It's not just that surface level reactions we all share just because we're human. That's what discipline chooses in my opinion - it's choosing you.

I've always been absolutely awful at discipline - my biggest weakness by far. When I was in university, I was always a 'when the motivation hits' kinda student. Which is awful, by the way. Not because I was struggling with it, but because I'd just accepted that as who I was and expected to get by regardless. I would've gotten a 2:1 if I'd kept that mindset - the same level I was at from the beginning of year one. I only began appreciated some semblance of carrying on when the going got tough in my last year, and that's why I ended up with a first class honours. I had the talent, enough to get me through. But fuck talent when it comes to the power of building a skill. Those blessed with talent will always be overtaken by those who consistently build-up their abilities and actually try. I think I've become that, now that we've reached the end of 2022. Someone who tries, even when I don't feel like it. I've kinda got the discipline thing down for writing and making the right choices.

This year is going to be a test of whether I have the long-term consistency to not fall back into what feels easy. That's always a difficult part.

And that's why I took a break. I realigned myself with my goals, and I think I'm a hundred times better for it. I just want to keep solidifying this version of me.

I'm manifesting a good year for me, committing to this version of myself and committing to trying to be better.

I'll be manifesting a good one for you, too.

I look forward to seeing you in the next post, and I hope you check out my other accounts for more updates and writing!

instagram: @neofae_

@esperfae_

< 95% baked >