bisexuality in women and the insufferable justification of dating a man

The justification that inherently comes with bisexuality can be almost painful to deal with. Oh, you're a woman dating a woman? Just admit that you're a lesbian. A woman dating a man? You're just saying you're bisexual for attention, you're benefitting from the trend and not acknowledging LGBT+ struggles. It's an insufferable cycle of defence that we find ourselves in, but I think one particular result of this confliction manifests in a toxic form - that of the man hating bisexual woman in a committed relationship with a man.

If you've read any of my previous posts, you'll know by now that I'm not a fan of justifying disrespect. Whether it comes to the systemic misogyny against women or, on the subject of my discussion today, the counter attack glorifying the condemnation of men. Both are objectively awful.

Onto the actual subject: bisexual women and dating men. And how it shouldn't just be a given that women can talk down about their partner's gender while going on about how much they want to date women. I'm going to first talk about the reasons that this toxicity manifests, starting with the deeper stuff. As a bisexual woman who has also dated men, I feel a little bit more passionate about this subject, as it's one I find myself directly influenced by.

Women have been hurt by men - some women have never had an experience with a man in their whole lives that has ended positively, and it's entirely okay to question whether or not you can even bring yourself to like men as a whole. I mean, we don't force people with a phobia of dogs in the room with random and unpredictable dogs. It's the same with men who have a fear of women - they, too, may find themselves questioning whether or not they can ever truly form a connection with women. This fear isn't a condemnation of the whole demographic group, however, and cannot be used as an excuse to do so. People without that phobia can love dogs because not all of them are awful, as we all know - and some simply don't wish to take the risk. Everyone is entitled to do as they please, as long as it doesn't affect others.

Bisexual women are most likely out of all of the sexualities to experience violence: the CDC's National Intimate Partner and Sexual Violence Survey has found that over half (61% to be exact) of all bisexual women experience rape, physical violence, or stalking by a sexual partner. And combined with the fact that the overwhelming majority of violence against women are committed by men, bisexual women end up with a higher likelihood than any other subcategory of having enough experience to justify a dislike and distrust of men. So, we can understand why so many of these women don't really care much when it comes to showing consideration for the sake men, the common denominator of their trauma.

Furthermore, when we combine this with the specific subgenre of bisexual who dates men (and I'm talking mainly about the 'bisexual e-girl' and 'golden retriever gamer boyfriend' trope, since this is where I have personally seen it manifest most) who, as bisexuals, feel the need to prove that they're into women because people simply cannot believe that someone could be attracted to both genders while outwardly only dating one of them (ah, the pains of being monogamous and attracted to more than one gender. I guess we're going to have to start questioning whether someone can be attracted to brunettes if they're dating someone who's blonde, sigh). Anyway, on from that disgustingly long sentence - this is a toxic mix that comes out in what I consider to be disrespect for a relationship.

If the roles were reversed, and a man was constantly telling his girlfriend that he desperately wanted to date someone else, I can say that if I was the girlfriend, I would leave so fast that I don't think even Sonic the Hedgehog could compete. Naturally, I'm using more provocative synonyms, but I don't see how these situations are different. We've normalised women simultaneously talking about how much they hate men and wish they were dating a woman to their boyfriends (who are then criticised if they do anything except hype up their partner, because after all - she's not talking about them).

We've normalised women slamming their partners and talking a little bit too much about how much they love women. If I were in a situation like this with a man, I would be kinda upset about how much they talk about wanting to date other people. If you're dating me, surely you wouldn't care to talk about how fun it would be to date a category that I don't even fall into? I don't care really care about hearing the preferences of my partner that much, but if there's one preference that frequently comes up and I clearly don't fit into it, I'm probably going to start reflecting on my relationship. It's all well and good saying 'you're the best human in the world for me there's no one I'd rather be with', but if that same person turns around and talks about how much they love a specific dating preference and that preference doesn't align with me, that's directly contradicting their reassurances. Especially if I'm considered an 'exception' to their hatred of an aspect about me, as if they're choosing to love me despite it. When it comes to gender, there shouldn't have to be a despite. You don't have to apologise for the actions of people who share an aspect about you - because that's the whole reason for this whole reformation thing. If the common denominator was specifically the gender of men, we would just reform men - nothing else. But we're not, because it is the fault of the patriarchy. Bad men are biproducts of a bigger issue, not the cause, otherwise every single man would be awful. But they're not. Men should be allowed to be proud as men, not despite that.

To take it a step forward, my partner expressing to other people how much they want to date a feature that doesn't align with me, is a dealbreaker. So, I don't understand why it's seen as any less disrespectful to, as a bisexual woman dating a man, talk about how cool women are while, in the same sentence, putting down men. It's like telling the world that you don't like this aspect about your partner - an aspect that is a part of their identity. Something that will never not be there. I'm not talking about issues that you can improve upon, like he doesn't wash dishes enough. There is no 'improvement' to the identity of being a man - it's just there or not. Like sexuality. You can't 'improve' bisexuality because it's simply a label reflecting your identity. If I had a male partner, I wouldn't want them to ever feel inferior, or ever feel like I would be happier with a woman, because there's a reason I chose to be with them and it's beyond simple identity labels like gender. I don't want anyone to question an aspect about them. And I don't want anyone to look down on them in the same way that I would've had to in order to criticise one of their features. It's double the blow if I simultaneously attempted to disconnect them from that part of their identity. No one should be able to formulate the idea that you love your partner despite.

I completely understand some of the reason why bisexual women do this - the pressure to justify your sexuality by compensating for the fact you're not dating a woman when you're dating a man. Talking up women as a way to fill the gap people see in your attraction. And I understand why they put down men, too - as people who are prone to violence and the worst in men, and the encouragement we get from other LGBT+ people (who are more likely than any heterosexual person to face traumatic experiences at the hands of men) to hate on men because of it. There's a way to condemn bad men and rip them a new one without putting forward the idea that being a man is a drawback from good features. I don't think bad experiences are good enough to justify encouraging hate towards a specific group of people.

Maybe going forward, we should treat our partners how we would want to be treated.

< 60% baked >

I'm back! Thanks for being patient with my schedule - I have a lot of new posts coming out this month, so stay in tune for some more personal posts and, as always, all of my unsolicited opinions that not a single person asked for. :)